My own life is amazing to me. Most of the time I feel like I’m on the outside looking in to my own world. I’m very detached from my own feelings and have been for as long as I can remember. My family thinks I’m cold, my friends think I’m one of the most warm and caring people they’ve ever met.
Why the difference? Why the disconnect?
It’s always been that I was required to have feelings, but as soon as I did I was told that I was a bitch, a backstabber, too sensitive. That I didn’t care. So it is just easier to not have feelings than to have them constantly needled and placed in the “invalid” box.
When people voiced their opinions towards me about me or a subject in general, I’m just to agree with them lest I be labeled “bitch”, but this just causes me to be placed in the “icy” category instead. I am not sure which is worse. This is difficult to understand without seeing what I’m talking about. I wish I could provide examples but unfortunately people actually read my blog and I’d hate to throw family under the bus. Though a true “Ice Princess” wouldn’t care.
Cheesy though it may be, I’m obsessed with the new Disney movie, Frozen. It’s fantastic to have a Disney Queen I can finally relate to. Queen Elsa might be one of the villains in the movie, but it’s not because of anything she has done directly, rather what she has experienced in life that brought her to where she is. Her parents were ashamed of her powers and were unable to teach her to control them, so she learned to hide, conceal, and just be a good girl, completely ignoring the core of who she was. She could have been so much greater than she was allowed to be.
Lyrics from Queen Elsa’s song that speak to my soul:
A Kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in; Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always had to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. . .
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back any more
Let it go, Let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway.
I feel like it’s the same with me. I’ve had to let myself, my feelings go, because they are invalid. While the movie is about Elsa controlling the literal ice that she creates, mine is just my feelings, emotions, the things that make a person human and warm.
I’m terrible at letting people in because I don’t want them to get close enough to know how cold I am. Perhaps this trait is what also allows me to care so deeply for people without it affecting my own life. My ability to switch from personal problems to focused employee is uncanny because I let little bother me deeply enough to affect the way that I function in life.
My love, my joy is helping people become better than they know they can be. I am fantastic at loving on people and I daresay my friends would agree that more often than not I make them feel like some of the most important people on earth. They also tell you that I possess the ability to tell them the truth without being an ass about it. What they do with that truth is on them, not me.
I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with this, for lack of a better term, “swirling storm inside”. I’m capable of changing, of becoming better and more warm, but it’s the people closest to me who are incapable of accepting my candor and honest care for their lives. They are also the people in my life who can’t accept that I have feelings. When I do express my feelings or a differing opinion, they are wrong or mean.
So is it easier to continue on in life repressing my feelings with these people, or to continue on to be who I am and lose people who can’t handle what I am?
And what great lesson am I to learn from this knowledge? If my feelings are invalid, what is valid? Why is it OK for other people to have opinions and feelings, but not me? It’s just easier to ice people out than to let them in, which is an emotionally lonely existence.