Opening yourself to love and be loved isn’t always easy. Some people give their hearts freely, others guard themselves to a fault and don’t open up at all. Others are superficially open but as soon as you get too close, you encounter a brick wall that is difficult to traverse.
I’m one of the latter.
Having tons of friends fuels me. I enjoy being surrounded by people and I require constant ego stroking. I’m a Leo. Hear me purr. I’m energetic and personable and I love be doing, doing, doing. If I’m not working towards a purpose – any purpose, I wither. I’m a dreamer. I have big dreams, lots of goals, and I still don’t know exactly what I want to be when I grow up, but I know that I want to help people. Lots of people. I thrive in a team environment.
You’d never know that I have a wall the size of the Great Wall of China up just a few layers down.
I also find it difficult to have relationships with people who have the same wall built up. I need to be friends with people who will let me in and love them. I have an intrinsic need to love, and I want people to love me back, but I’m afraid that if they see the demons beyond that wall, they won’t love me any longer.
So what’s back there? You know what, I’m not sure I even know. Probably a wounded little girl sobbing in a corner somewhere. A little girl who craved attention but felt slighted. A little girl who always wanted to be the best at something, anything, but just always fell short. A little girl who was never the smartest, never the best dancer, never the best artist, never the prettiest, never thin enough. A little girl who just wanted to excel at one thing instead of being marginally good at a lot of things.
They say that you can’t create energy, but I’ve had to. I’ve had to create my own energy and fuel my own fires. I’ve had to put a mask and paint a smile on every day because if I don’t, there’s something wrong with me. The painted self portrait I painted my senior year in high school didn’t have a smile on her face, so it didn’t look like what people were used to seeing when they saw me. I had to start over and paint one on her too.
Being in a serious relationship is difficult for me. Yeah, I’m married. I know, I don’t even know how we got here. I don’t know how he fell in love with me or why. I feel a lot of times like I’m just good for that one little thing, and beyond that there’s just not a whole lot more to me. I know he doesn’t see me that way, this is my own issue.
I require a mate who is happy to chip away at the wall and slowly break it down instead of trying to ram up against it over and over before finally giving up. Butting heads does nothing to help me. But how can I expect someone to be patient enough with me to just chip away at the wall before giving up?
I have to know I’m worth it, just like I tell my friends they are. I’m worth loving, even if I don’t know what that means or what’s worth loving. I have to open up and be vulnerable, like I expect my friends to be, but picking at the scars is painful. So when I say that I love myself, I really mean it. I do love myself. But I’m afraid that when people get to know the depths of me, they will realize they liked the idea of me more than the real me.
So I love people. And I sit back and hope that they’ll love me too and find me worth chipping away at.
Being vulnerable sucks, but I’m a #NakedMom and it’s what I do.
Now check out the rest of these naked mommies this month and show them some love.
Loving the Mom in Me by Stephanie at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion
Loving While Waiting by Heather at Diary of A First Time Mom
Present in Love by Laila at Only Laila
I Loved You Before You Were Born by Joyce at Mommy Talk Show
My Mom Was Right About Motherhood by Thien-Kim at I’m Not The Nanny
Being a Loving Mom Begins With Loving Yourself by Steph at Confessions of A Stay At Home Mom
I Love Being a Working Mom by Vanesse at Mommy Works A Lot
How to Balance Your Checkbook of Love by Diamonte at Liberated Mommy
Naked Love. Learning to Be Vulnerable by Summer at The Dirty Floor Diaries
Back To Love by Brandi at Mama Knows It All
Offer Love First by Jacquie at The Sweeter Side of Mommyhood