Swagger: (Verb) Walk or behave in a very confident and typically arrogant or aggressive way.OK so I’m not arrogant in the slightest. As a matter of fact, I want to slap arrogant people with a can of Gak when I am in close proximity to them, but I have become more confident since gaining 80lbs.
3 years ago, I would have been horrified to go to the beach in a bathing suit. I would have checked myself against every other girl in a 20 mile radius and then cried myself to sleep about the size of my hips, the breadth of my derriere, and the thunder in my thighs. I would have checked myself out in every window and every mirror to make sure I looked OK and then would look away in shame when I realized that my lower half was literally 4 sizes larger than my upper half. I have since evened out a bit. My boobs are enormous, and so is my butt. My waist is still much smaller than the rest of my body but it’s not small by any means. I don’t check myself out in windows or mirrors anymore. I don’t eye all women over to pick their flaws or my own out anymore. I am not ashamed to go to the beach in my Lands End Tankini with a skirted bottom. I don’t care if my ankles are now cankles or that I have mom-arms.
Do I want to look better? Of course. But being overweight doesn’t mean I can’t have swagger. I’m not cocky. I know that my body could look better but I think swagger comes down to one thing: Confidence. Not so much arrogance, but confidence. I wish I had, had confidence when I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat. Although that might have turned into arrogance.
So now I’m 80lbs overweight and happy. I’m happy with my life, happy with my hard-working husband, happy with my amazing (if sometimes busy and overwhelming) children, happy with my house, happy with the people I have surrounded myself with in the past 6 months, and happy with me. I no longer think that I’m disgusting to look at, despite the fact that I might not look great in a bathing suit. I am beautiful inside and out and I know that now.
I hate that it took me gaining weight and forging through depression to find myself but here I am: I’ve gone through the fire, began as a stone, and come out a diamond, without the added cockiness of a born-swan. I might have been more beautiful to the “world” 3 years ago, but I’m more beautiful now to ME and that’s what matters.
So now when you see me walking out of Publix with my buggy full of perimeter food and my adorable children with my Paparazzi glasses on, my butt jigglin’, and my nose in the air, you’ll know it’s not because I think I’m better than you, but because I know I’m better than I was.