It all happened way too quickly. I was not pregnant and not looking to get pregnant one minute and the next minute I was most definitely pregnant. Two pink lines and BAM. My body began to change. I went from being the head chairwoman of the “Itty Bitty Titty Committee” to Pamela Anderson Lee’s chest double. I was 19. Then my hips began to spread (even more) and my thighs became even more thunderous. I was thick to begin with (save the lack of anything up top), so this journey even farther into womanhood was no fun for me. I was athletic and fit but as soon as I got pregnant I gave all of that up, at least for a little while. I gained 59 lbs while pregnant with my son. I weighed 206lbs the day I gave birth to him and I was DISGUSTED. I breastfed him for 9 months before he went on nursing strike, and during that period I only lost about 20 lbs. I couldn’t believe it. I had gone from gross to even more disgusting. It didn’t help that I never had high self esteem to begin with. That’s what happens when your mom dubbs you “Bubble Butt”, your dad always comments on how much more weight you could lose, and you’re on a dance team with a bunch of skinny minnies and your own measurements are 34-25.5-41. Yeah. No joke. In any event, as soon as I quit nursing, I dropped the baby weight and was back to my “normal” (albeit still not skinny) self. I even got my little boobies AND perfectly flat stomach back, although I’m not sure my hips ever went quuuiiiiiiiite back to where they were prior to pregnancy.
Life handed me its own sets of twists and turns in the years following. A divorce and another big break up later, I found myself caring more for me, handling my body with more TLC, and wanting to look fantastical again. I had been diagnosed with PCOS which is a syndrome largely controlled by wacky hormones. My doctor immediately put me on a super-strict diet and I lost 30 lbs just by changing the way I ate. I then started working out for 2 hours/day, 5 days/week and got down to a size 10 for the first time since elementary school. (Note: I have not grown one inch taller since sixth grade. Puberty came early for me and I was massively tall at an early age, I’m quite average now. And for those of you wondering, I was a 12 – 14 in high school, at my most fit.) I kept that trim (for me), muscular body for about 2.5 years, until Kyle and I started dating. Roll in the happy weight. I gained about 20 lbs over the course of about 6 months when we started dating. Once again, I had never been happy with the way that I looked, even when I was working out all the time and looked great, so once those 20 lbs came on, I felt even more undesirable.
I got pregnant in December 2008 with our daughter. I had that extra 20lbs hanging on and was determined to not gain much weight while pregnant this time. I was on a roll until I got put on bed rest for nearly 3 months and like BAM, I gained 80lbs. Count them. Eighty. I won’t tell you what I weighed the day I had her because to be honest, I don’t even know myself. I could tell that I was gaining weight rapidly while on bed rest and I didn’t allow my doctor to tell me my weight. My best friend had always been exercise (so that I could eat whatever I wanted to), and because I wasn’t allowed off of my back, I couldn’t very well get that extra cardio in every day. Change the way I eat, you say? Yeah. Screw YOU! You’d eat cookies all day long if you were on bed rest too. By the time Madilyn was born, I was HA-UGE (for me), and my boobies had grown to enormous proportions. 40E’s. FOURTY E’S! Just hearing that makes me want to run screaming in a different direction, leaving my boobs behind me. I hated the pups but loved nursing so I kept on keeping on. Gone were the days of low-cut sundresses. When you have cleavage, you can’t wear nice things like that because you look like a floozy. Crap, I couldn’t find ANYTHING to go over my new “girls”. I know that, that probably sounds insane to some of you. I know plenty of girls who have big boobs (real and fake), and that’s great for them. My mom has implants for goodness sake! But I’ve never, EVER felt the need to have a big chest to prove myself. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say (because I’ve been huge and super-small), that I feel my most sexy when I have a small chest. Perhaps that’s because my booty more than makes up for what I’m lacking up top. Boobs just make me look fat, even when I’m not.
I had planned on losing weight while nursing this time but it didn’t happen, yet again. I held onto every pound that I had gained. I have very few clothes that fit and can’t even bring myself to wear skirts and dresses (once a wardrobe staple) because my THIGHS TOUCH. You ladies know how irritating that is, right? I knew that I wanted to nurse Madilyn for at least 2 years but I wasn’t planning on staying fat forever so I decided that around her first birthday we would reevaluate things so that I could lose some serious weight. The really funny thing is that when Madilyn was 9 months old, I got pregnant again. My first thought? “I’m going to be fat for at least 2 more years. Shit.” My second thought? “I want my B’s back.”
(un)Luckily, I was super sick during my first trimester this pregnancy. I lost 16lbs which sounds tragic to most mothers but it was
quite an accomplishment for me. Granted I spent my days lying by the toilet waiting to heave up every last drop of saliva that I swallowed. But hey, I lost 16 lbs so there’s a bright side to everything, right? I was miraculously able to nurse Madilyn through the first trimester of my pregnancy. I’m still not sure how because I wasn’t eating or drinking anything. Right around her 13th month, I dried up. I blame it on 3 months of involuntarily starving myself. In any event, in a week I went from a 40E to a 38D. I haven’t been this happy in my LIFE. I still hate these puppies, they’re way too big for my taste but I’m much happier with them. Now my stomach is growing again and I’m still at a 9lb deficit. As big as I feel when I look in the mirror, I have never been more comfortable with my body. I’m not happy being chunky but I’m comfortable with who I am. My husband adores me and reminds me several times daily how happy I make him, how attracted to me he is, and how sexy I am. Seriously? I don’t get it but I relish the compliments.
I still long every day for the moment I can have my 34B’s back but more than anything I’m looking forward to having my curves back. I think for the first time in my life, I love my non-proportioned body and I MISS it. My “bubble butt” and my flat chest are what make me, ME. I can’t wait for the day I can slip back into my size 10 jeans and size small T-shirt or my low-cut sundresses that don’t show cleavage (because it doesn’t exist). But for now I am going to enjoy being pregnant, savor every nursing moment, and do whatever it takes for my body to build babies and produce milk. I am going to do my best to not loathe my lumpy thighs and hips, despite walking by the stick-thin mommies with perfect pregnant bodies or the rail-thin chicks with 3 day old infants. And I will love my big ole’ booty (when I get my skinny, small waist back). Take THAT, Cosmo!